Lets just pretend
by Right Hand Blue
Summary: "Do you ever think about what it would be like?" - "What?" - "If we were still married? If we were still together." Its just easier for them to pretend, when they find it hard to let go. Addek, AU-ish


AN: Its been a while since I've written anything, so I guess this is just to see if I could. Just your run of the mill Addek story (I'm finding it hard to let them slip away completely) which is pretty long, and probably a little rusty (my bad) but the break lines do signify small time differences, which is my excuse for not being able to break this chapter up.

Standard disclaimer of not owning greys/private practice (as I guess this is more crossover material?)

Enjoy :)

* * *

"What is it that makes me come back to you?"

She shrugged, and smirked over her shoulder down at him "Sparkling personality? Good in the sack? Ass that just wont quit?"

He chuckled, and let his finger trail down the length of her spine. "Something like that."

"Mmhmm." She popped another grape into her mouth, and turned her attention on to the cartoons that were flitting across the screen.

He sat up and scooted backwards on the bed, propping himself against the headboard. Smiling, he noticed that the sheet had pulled slightly.

Apparently he wasn't the only one, as she turned around and shot him a suggestive look "Enjoying the view?"

"From the ass that just wont quit? Immensely." He grinned, and patted the space behind her and next to him "Come and sit closer."

"Promise we just watch cartoons?"

"I promise not to touch you until we've finished-" he looked at the screen "Topcat."

After she put her bowl of grapes down on the floor she manoeuvred herself so that she was kneeling, then walked on her knees closer to him; the sheet abandoned ages ago as it slunk off her body.

"Like what you see?"

"Ridiculously." He folded his arms behind his head and let his eyes rake down her from head to knee and then back up again. "Going to be hard to keep my promise though."

She pouted and leant forward to kiss him briefly "Can't that hold you?"

He leaned forward and they kissed again, this time a lot more suggestive on his behalf "Much better."

She smiled, and finally positioned herself next to him. He draped his arm across her shoulders and felt her snuggle into him. They sat for the next twenty minutes, watching various cartoons.

"Do you ever think about what it would be like?"

"What?"

"If we were still married? If we were still together." _If we weren't cheating _is what he omits.

She closes her eyes "All the time."

"And?"

"We wouldn't be here doing this?" She sighed, "We'd probably would have ended up miserable."

He hates her grim assessment, even more so because there is a high possibility it would have been true. He abandoned her for years of their marriage, and then fell in love with another woman when she tried to work it out.

They lapsed into silence again, and sat there in each other's company, suspended in their own little bubble that shielded them from reality.

Her stomach growled.

"I'll order room service." He said, shifting so that he could reach for the telephone. After a quick order of cheeseburger's and fries, he hung up, and then watched as she moved to kneel above him.

"So you think about us?" she frowned down at him.

"Yeah." He admitted honestly. He moved his palms up and down her thighs, the action soothing him more than it did her "I imagine what it would be like. If I hadn't been absent. If I were more attentive." He looks at her, her eyes staring at him pensively.

There's a heartbeat of silence in the room before he speaks again. "Like right now, we wouldn't be sneaking around. We'd be here on some sort of naughty weekend away to get away from the kids and work." He takes her hands and threads his fingers with hers "We would be naked like we are right now, only you would be incessantly worried about the kids, no matter how many times I'd try and make you relax."

She chuckled.

His looked at her fourth finger of her left hand "I'd be planning a surprise for our 18th anniversary, hoping you'll be none the wiser." She rolled her eyes playfully "But somehow you would find out because I know how much you hate surprises." He looks back into her blue eyes when she's serious again "It would still be worth it though, when you break out into a big smile that makes me fall in love with you all over again." He reaches up to swipe the tears that have fallen. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" she whispers, getting her emotions under control.

"Because Addie." He draws her close to him so that they are chest to chest, before he shifts them onto their sides, continuing to face each other "You were the most important thing to me in my entire life, and I threw that away."

"Stop blaming yourself Derek. I cheated, and this is what happens to cheaters."

"Addie-" He hates when she blames herself.

She placed a hand on his cheek "Go on, tell me more."

He relents "What do you want to know?"

"Well what are the kids like?" her eyes sparkled "Where do we live?"

"We have two. A boy named Ryder aged four, and a girl, Ruby, just turned two." He brushed a lock of her hair absently, letting it slink through his fingers before it re-joined the rest of her red mane. "Both unplanned of course, but both very loved."

She laughs at this, and the musical notes in her giggle spur his imagination.

"You felt sick after a romantic getaway, and then we found out you were pregnant and moved to Connecticut near our parents, and so that Archer can babysit."

"Archer?" her laughs are hearty when he mentions her brother "Seriously?"

Derek nods solemnly, keeping a straight face as best as he can "He's a reformed playboy who finally found a woman to keep him in place." He pinches her nose playfully.

"Alright. Go on…" she says through narrowed eyes.

"Well after the kids are put to bed, we have our time together."

"Oh yeah? And what do we do?"

"I tell you I love you, and you reply likewise before we kiss. Then I take you by the hand, and lead you to our bedroom, where, depending on how tired we are, fall asleep in each others arms, or have sex without waking the kids." He smirks at her "We almost always choose tired sex."

She laughs, nudging him playful. "What else?"

He looks at her "I like to think that on one of the nights Archer babysits, we add to the family."

A knock on the door jolts them out of their fantasy, and she slinks out of bed to answer the door.

"Addie, robe!" he whispers.

She shrugs on a terry cloth robe, sticking a tongue out at him before she answers the door. She wheels in the hostess trolley, and hands him the plates of food and sets down the two glasses of lemonade on the bedside table, before she wheels it back outside again.

"Didn't you give the guy a tip?"

She waved him away and sat down next to him taking her plate of food "Oh, he got a tip." She giggled.

His eyes trailed down to the gaping neckline of the robe, and realised the connotations behind her words.

She looked at him innocently "What? It was just a nip slip, he barely saw anything else."

He growled playfully at her and stole one of her fries "You know how possessive I am."

"Yeah." She turned her attention back to the tv "I do."

The room filled with a weary silence, one that was filled with their wrongdoings of infidelity, their apparent inability to properly commit to their other halves and their personal failures in their own marriage that had led them to where they currently were. The irony didn't miss Derek when he made statements about his possessiveness, and the attractive future he had written for them.

She stole a couple fries from his plate.

That's when he realised, the memories of the past were what they lived in, what everyone recalled in their last moments, or in short anecdotes and funny stories to tell at dinner parties. They had created a past life for themselves, because their future was already happening so fast. And there was nothing he could do to bring it all back to the present again.

When they had finished their meals, she collected their plates and had put them to the side.

She disappeared into the bathroom, and then emerged minutes later, holding her hand out to him.

"Want to take a bath with me?"

He nodded and took her hand as she led him to the large tub. She'd shed her robe, and got in first, scooting forward to make space for him to slot in behind her.

"How do you cope?" she asked looking up at him as she lay back against his chest.

He thought about it for a moment, and replied as best as he could "I don't know. I just think what we're doing is right. For us."

"Do you think we'll ever stop being Addison and Derek?"

"Maybe. But it wont be enough."

"Your right." She conceded, "It won't."

The water made soft waves as she flexed her foot back and forth, and they watched idly as it lapped at their skin.

Eventually the water got cold, and they ended their time in the tub. Stepping out, he took a fresh towel off the rack and wrapped it around his waist, before taking another and wrapping it around Addison as she stood up, her hands on his shoulders for support. When she stepped down, he held her against him, and rubbed softly against her back.

"My flight leaves at eight." She sighed into his chest.

"Five forty-five." He replied.

"You know that box you have is getting bigger." She smiled sadly at him "Its harder for me to keep you locked away."

He swallowed thickly "When can I see you again?"

She shrugged "You never know, this could be the last time."

"I don't want it to be."

"Me either."

They stood there in the sad silence for what seemed like ages, before she finally pushed against him gently and moved into their room.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he took deep breaths, and kept the ebb of tears at bay.

When he had composed himself as best he could, he reached down into the bathwater and pulled the plug on their reality.

* * *

The next time he had heard from her it was a month and a half later.

Apparently his fantasy had become a reality that flushed away every morning she emptied her guts down the toilet bowl.

"How are you feeling?"

"Nauseas. I can't keep much down and I'm hormonal." She sniffed, and his heart sank in his chest.

"What about you?" she asked, leaning back against the side of the bathtub "How do you feel?"

"I'm not concerned about me Addison, I'm more worried about you."

"Please, just tell me Derek." She pleaded, closing her eyes against an oncoming tide of tears.

What could he say? Happy? Sad? Apologetic?

"Fine." He took a breath "I feel fine."

"I'm sorry." She choked up; letting the tears run down her face "_I'm so sorry._" She sobbed.

"That's it I'm flying down tonight." He looked at his watch "I'll finish early and book the next flight down."

Her sobs subsided, and she managed a shaky "Okay."

"Hey," he soothed "It will be ok. We'll get through this."

"Yeah." She hiccupped, letting a fresh flow of tears silently flow down her face.

"We're Addison and Derek right?" he listened to her trying in vain to answer him clearly "Right?"

"Right."

"Okay. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

"See you in a couple of hours." She agreed, hanging up.

She looked a mess when he'd finally arrived. Her eyes were puffy from crying and her hair tangled in a mess of red that he was sure would be hell to comb out. She wore a ratty t-shirt, that was dirty from stains that didn't properly wash out, and her track bottoms hung low on her hips.

For a brief moment they just stood there, taking it all in before he finally moved towards her, hugging her close.

"Thank you." She mumbled into the crook of his neck, relaxing slightly.

"Anytime. You know that."

She nodded and pulled away from him. He picked up his overnight bag and followed her into the warm depths of her home.

"Food should be here soon." She slumped into her couch, and leaned forward to take a sip of the water she had left on the coffee table earlier. "I figured you would be hungry."

"Yeah, I am. Thanks." He sat next to her "So what are we watching?"

"I don't know. I haven't really been concentrating." She dug out the remote from her side of the couch and gave it to him "Here, knock yourself out."

He took it, and flicked through the channels, shooting her a sideways glance to see the flashes of colours wash over her impassive expression.

There was a sharp tap at the door, and she snapped out of her reverie to go and answer it. He followed her to the door, and reached out to take the bags as she paid.

"Thanks."

"Lead the way." He said, stepping behind her so that he could follow her into the kitchen. He set the food on the middle island, and took a seat while she got out knives and forks. He unpacked the cartons as she got out two glasses and a jug full of what he recognised as homemade lemonade.

She sat across from him, and grabbed one of the cartons.

"So, does he know?"

She shook her head. "He's away on business in China. He won't be back for another three days."

Before he could ask if she was lonely she shrugged and speared another forkful of noodles "I'm so used to it by now, it's not even a big deal anymore." She sighed, "I'm just so used to it."

Guilt settled in his stomach along with his food, and they lapsed into a gloomy silence only broken by their soft chewing.

"What did you tell Meredith?" she asked, meeting his eyes briefly as she swapped her carton of food.

"I told her that you needed me for a consult, and that I wanted to visit some friends down here as well."

Addison looked slightly horrified "She knows you're here?"

"Yes." He said simply "She didn't ask too many details."

"Do you think she knows?"

He shrugged "Maybe, but she can't prove anything more than a nagging feeling."

"Even though she's right." Addison stated, putting down her fork and pouring both her and Derek a glass of lemonade.

There was a brief pause.

"Have you thought about what happens?"

"Like?" she took a sip.

"Like when he finds out."

She took another sip, and swallowed pensively "Yeah. It plays out differently each time." She listed the scenarios on her fingers "He leaves me, He stays, I lie, or…" she uncurled her fourth finger "He never finds out."

An uncomfortably expression flitted across his face. "What do you mean?"

"Derek, we have a lot to lose. A lot." She looked straight at him "We aren't the only ones who will get hurt by this situation." She lowered her voice "Maybe preventative action will be for the greater good."

"So I can be stuck in a rut, and you lonely in a one person marriage?" he looked at her incredulously "I'm not walking away from you or…this situation."

"Why not?"

"Because I wont lose you. Because _we are_ Addison and Derek again, don't you see?" he took her hand "Do you even have any idea how much I think about you? How much it hurts that every time we get together it physically hurts me that it could be the last time I see you again?"

She looked away from him, but he continued undeterred.

"I can't walk away. I hate walking away. That's why it hurts so much when you do."

She slipped her hand out from underneath his, and wiped at the slow trail down her face "Pain heals Derek. If we did it, if we properly swore to ourselves that this was it, we could walk away."

"I couldn't."

She shook her head "You could. You've done it before."

"Not this time." He said vehemently "No."

"Yes." She countered, "See it this way." She sat up straight "We just walk away, pretend none of this ever happened, and just live our lives." She picked up her fork again and toyed with her food "Nobody knows, and nobody gets hurt."

He sighed, and pushed his food away with a sudden loss of appetite.

"Are you angry at me?"

"What?" he looked at her "No, I'm not angry." He rubbed at his eyes tiredly "I couldn't be angry if I tried." In fact he was sad. Sad for him, sad for her, sad for them and for both the people they would hurt if they found out. He glanced down quickly to where her stomach was and most of all, felt sad for the one thing that had brought them here together again.

And would tear them apart.

She set her fork down "Are you finished?"

He nodded, and began to help her close up the cartons of food that they had opened, putting them to one side of her kitchen counter. When they'd finished, they stood on awkward sides of her kitchen.

"Hey,"

She looked up at him.

"Want to take a bath with me?" he held out his hand, and she took it.

* * *

"Is this ok?" he asked, his ear pressed against where they had created life within her. He had lain between her legs, his head rested against the base of her stomach.

She closed her eyes, "Yeah its fine." She answered, her voice thick with emotion.

He lifted his head to look at her, and began to move "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed this."

"No, its fine." She ran her fingers through his hair "I'm just hormonal that's all."

He lay back down, and slid his arms under her thighs, angling her closer to him. They lay there like that for a while as her fingers rhythmically raked through his hair, soothing both him and her.

"Did you ever think about us?" he asked.

"Sometimes. On a bad day you would randomly pop up, and I would remember what you would used to do to cheer me up." She twirled a black curl around her finger. "Just memories."

"And our future?" he prompted.

She didn't answer.

He moved from where he lay, and spooned himself behind her, tucking his arm just underneath her breasts. He felt her hiccup, and knew that she was crying.

He changed the subject "Do you remember when we went to that god awful anniversary party for your parents? And you sensed that I was way out of my element so naturally the only way you made me feel relaxed was to have your way with me in the pool house." His thumb brushed back and forth against one of her ribs. "God, that was one of the best nights of my life."

She let out a betraying chuckled "I'd never seen someone's eyes bug out that much before."

He nuzzled her neck "Then at Nancy's thanksgiving party that year, I said I was thankful for loud violins."

"I don't think your mother was happy about that." She sighed.

"My mother was never happy, but who cared when I had you." He kissed her shoulder "I thought you were the most amazing thing in the world." He kissed behind her ear "I still do."

She reached behind and upwards to run her fingers through his hair "You should have given me up a long time ago."

His hand skimmed up and down the side of her figure, before moving to massage the breast easily accessible to him.

"I only want you to be happy." He murmured, letting his hand drift further down "Whatever happens doesn't change how I feel about you." He slipped under the waistband of her pyjama shorts, his fingers dancing over the lace he found there.

Her hips shifted, and she moaned from his touch.

They continued through the night.

* * *

It had been her gasp of pain he'd heard the next afternoon that would forever be etched in his mind, her body hunched over as she tried to breath through her cramps.

The second had been the growing crimson stain on her shorts that had told him the worst.

They had lost their baby.

"Are you angry at me?" she looked at him.

"What?" he looked at her, jolted out of his thoughts from that afternoon "How could you ever think I would be angry at you for this?"

Her head rolled back to the window by her patient bed, and away from him "Because I'm angry at me. I jinxed our baby Derek." She sighed, echoing her thoughts from last night "I said all that stuff about preventative action, him never finding out, not hurting him or Meredith." She closed her eyes "All the things I said."

"Addie, look at me." He tugged at her hand and she lolled her head in his direction, her eyes shiny with tears. "No one could predict this would have happened."

When she didn't answer, he stood up and kicked off his shoes. Careful not to shift her too much, he positioned himself so that he lay on his side next to her.

"We would have had three kids. A twin boy and girl, and then another little girl." She said after a while of lying there with him. "Jesse and Jaime are the twins, and Jules is three months."

He takes her hand and threads his fingers with hers; listening avidly to the future she paints for them.

"The twins are three, but have such big personalities already. Jesse is the quiet one, he takes after me-"

He coughs awkwardly, and she smiles, rolling her eyes at him.

"Jaime's more like you, she's stubborn and doesn't like taking no for an answer."

He can't help but interrupt "I'm not stubborn."

"Derek, we would have had three kids under the age of five."

"Well clearly you weren't saying no."

She continues, silently proving her point "And even though Jules can't speak yet, she's already so animated and lively." Her words quicken as she gets into the full flow of her story "We live in New York in a brownstone opposite Central Park, so that when it's Christmas, we can watch the first snowfall of December settle over the park."

He sees her eyes flash as she continues her spiel "And after the kids go to bed each night, we lie in bed and I stare into your eyes and tell you I love you, and I love our kids, and that you've made me the happiest woman imaginable."

"And then do I tell you that I love you, and I love our kids, and that we should get soundproofing for our bedroom?"

She gives him a watery smile and squeezes his fingers, before she lets go of his hand, edging slightly away from him.

"Addie don't." he takes her hand again, but her grip is loose in his. "Don't shut me out."

"If I'd shut you out in the first place, we wouldn't be here, not now or ever." She closes her eyes "I'm tired."

He got off the bed and put his shoes back on "I'll go and see how far along your discharge forms are."

She didn't give any indication she heard him, so he took it as his cue to leave. Walking right past the nurse's station he headed straight out of the hospital and into the backseat of his car.

Too emotionally spent to even cry, he just sat there and stare blankly into a horizon more certain then theirs.

* * *

"I think this is it."

He frowned, and stared at her reflection in the mirror. "What?"

"I said," she looked away from him "I think this is it."

He put his toothbrush down, and pivoted to face her. "Addison…" he began, then realised there was nothing he could say. She was right this would be the last time that he would be with her again.

"I love you Derek."

He let out a heavy sigh, and leaned back against the sink "Yeah, I love you."

"God!" she ran her hands through her hair, tugging slightly at the roots "What's wrong with us?"

He knew what was wrong with him; she was standing a couple feet away.

Her hands fell to her sides "I want to work it out with my husband Derek. He'd stay if we tried." She looked at him "I know he would."

"That's good." He licked his lips, his mouth dry "You have a plan."

"Yeah." She gave him a small smile "I do." Her eyes scanned his face "What about you?"

He couldn't stay with Meredith, not after this "I don't know." He shrugged, "I guess take some time to just think things over."

She nodded, an action he was used to when he knew she was trying to convince herself of something, and it was in that action that he hated how well he knew her, and how hard he'd have to try to forget her.

He looked down at his watch "We should get ready, we don't have much time left till I board."

"Yeah of course." As she turned to leave she paused, and looked back over her shoulder at him. "I'm sorry Derek."

He shot her a rueful smile "Yeah. Me too."

* * *

"So when can we next see you?"

"Uh, I don't know." He began "Work is really hectic at the moment, but I will try and book some time off for thanksgiving, even-"

"Though it's one of the busiest times of year." Nancy finished for him "Yeah we know." She softened her tone "I'm just worried about you Derek, that's all."

"I know." He set his knife down, and washed his hands in the sink.

There was a pause "You know Derek if you need to talk some more I can always come to you."

He dried his hands "Thanks for the offer, but I just need some time to be a wood chopping fisherman for a while." He joked, ignoring the pangs of familiarity in his stomach.

"Its not an easy thing to go through Derek."

"Thank you Nancy." He said, hoping it was a tone that was enough to deter his chatty sister.

Thankfully she got the hint. "Like I said Der, I'm only a call away."

"I appreciate it." He said earnestly "I'll speak to you soon." Hanging up the phone, he went outside and prepared his grill.

When he had done that, he went back inside his trailer, and began to season his trout fillets. When he was finished, he shrugged on a coat and brought his trout outside, placing each one of them carefully on his grill.

Twisting open a beer, he sat in one of his deck chairs and watched as a light drizzle of rain fell steadily in front of him, seemingly getting heavier with every sip of his drink.

A car pulls up the same time his cell phone rings, and he answers already knowing who's on the line.

For a moment, all he hears is her soft breathing.

"Hi."

The dial tone rings through his ear shortly afterwards, and watches as she reverses her car back out of his life.

He hangs up, and contemplating for a short moment afterwards, he rings a familiar number.

"Derek?"

"Hey Nancy, you got a minute?"

* * *

"I'm telling you I'm fine."

"Derek-"

He cut across his sister's words harshly "Don't do this Kath." He turned from her gaze "Don't do the whole shrink thing on me, I'm not in the mood."

"Are you ever in the mood Derek?" she asked, exasperated. "You are not fine." She edged closer, her words soft "You need to talk to someone."

The only person he wanted to speak to, he hadn't seen in nine months. He realises the painful acknowledgement and stiffens.

"Derek, you should come home." Kathleen implores, "Let your family take care of you."

He ignored her.

"Whenever you're ready Derek, we're here to listen." Shrugging her bag onto her shoulder, Kathleen got ready to leave the snug trailer. "We all know what it's like to grieve Derek, don't shut us out."

He listened to the heavy door swing shut behind him, and let his shoulders slump.

They opened again, and he turned with a sigh "Kathleen I said I'm-" his words stopped in his tracks as he let his eyes drink her in.

"You're lucky you got Kathleen. They sent Nancy after me." She jerked a thumb behind her "They're outside gloating."

He continued to stare.

She tilted her head to the side "How are you Derek? I've missed you."

He held his hand out for her, and when she took it, he pulled her from her side of the trailer, and hugged her tight in his arms.

She pulled back, and brushed away the tears from his cheeks.

"I guessed you missed me too." She smiles, tears flowing freely down her face as her fingers ran through his hair.

They stand there, hugging until their legs get tired. Taking her hand, he leads her to the bed, where they lay down in each other's arms.

When they get hungry they eat.

When they get tired, they sleep.

And when he asks her "How long can you stay?"

She replies "How about forever?"

They don't think it's long enough.

* * *

So there you have it! All done and dusted. Im toying with the idea of this being a two shot with an epilogue, but that may not work out as well as I hope.

Let me know your thoughts!

Read and Review!


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